The sprinting required in this marathon semester has left many students around campus feeling exhausted. Many question whether or not they will be able to finish the semester standing upright.
A few have come up with an ingenious idea – getting some rest.
“Yeah, it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about,” said junior Jessica Thomson, as her thumb flirted with the “headache option” on the University’s Student Health Check-In app.
“A few days away in a hotel – my own bathroom, my own bed, my own TV – it could be really good for me.”
Thomson emphasized repeatedly that she was not sick, just “really tired.”
“Look, I’ll do whatever it takes, okay?” she exclaimed, her voice rising an octave and the bags underneath her eyes coming to life. “I have my bath bombs and candles packed. Try and stop me!”
Thomson is not the only student considering different ideas that could lead to a couple of sweet seconds away from this beautiful school among the pines.
“I’ve been eating nothing but dried Carolina Reapers and protein shakes in order to strategically raise my temperature,” said sophomore Trace McFrenzy, as he pulled out his bag of spicy produce.
“Water hasn’t entered my body in a week. I’ve also been working on my dry cough. Awk! Awk!
“What do you think? Is it dry enough? I’ve got to get out of here! Do you understand me?”
It was at this point that McFrenzy pulled out his cutting board and began chopping several peppers from his supply bag.